• Karen O'Moore

The Erotic Playsheet

The date is set, tonight’s the night, the kids are safely tucked away, the phone is off: you are ready for a night of lovemaking or raunchy sex. But how do you tune into your own and each other’s moods, wants and desires? We deal with couples who frequently find their desires and needs are not fulfilled and look for a way of simply and effectively communicating them. This month’s intimacy guide will explore a simple means of doing this: Barbara Carellas in her book Urban Tantra outlined an “erotic playsheet” and gives examples of how it can be used. This PlaySheet can be downloaded from her website,, as a pdf file. This is a very useful and fun resource for you and your partner (I am choosing a couple scenario for simplicity) to use before your lovemaking or sex session. It enables you to describe simply how you are feeling and what you want that specific point and to base your erotic session around the PlaySheets you have completed. Of course you do not have to download Barbara’s PlaySheet, but can make a list of simple questions yourself. I have taken some of the questions from Barbara’s erotic PlaySheet and added others as an example:

  • I am feeling:

  • I want:

  • I don't want:

  • By the end I would like to feel:

  • My intention is:

  • Music I would like:

  • Right now I want to use the following techniques and props:

  • Breath:

  • Breath orgasm technique:

  • Erotic activity:

  • Cock massage strokes:

  • Position to have sex in:

  • Pussy massage strokes:

  • Sacred space/ Bedroom Attire:

  • Sacred Space Ritual Style/ Sex Scenario:

  • Sex toy:

  • Sounds:

  • Visualization:

  • Clothing I would like to wear:

  • Food I would like:

  • Drink I would like:

  • Sensations I'd like to feel:

The list can be adapted but should reflect your reality. If you take 5 minutes to fill in the sheet, then answer honestly and compare with your partner. Look at the answers you have given: Where is there agreement? Where are the differences? In the case of the differences, which are negotiable between the two of you and which are non-negotiable. For example, if one of you wants slow sensual music and the other death metal, is it negotiable on both your parts or not? If it is what does that look like? (do you start the session with slow and sensual then work too hard and heavy as things heat up). If one does not want to be penetrated, what alternatives are acceptable?

But why bother with this? What is this doing? It’s raising awareness on what you are feeling, your mood and desires for yourself and communicating that to your lover. It’s also raising awareness on what your lover wants and desires, it is giving you the chance to explore and finally, it’s enabling you to negotiate a session where both will have their needs met while maintain the boundaries agreed at the start. Of course this requires both to be honest in what they write and in what they consider to be negotiable or not. It should be approached with the attitude that it will lead to a mutually satisfying session, where both are aware of what the other wants and are willing to explore and play. Have fun!

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