• Karen O'Moore

Bringing the intimacy back

I believe it is in our nature to connect, to desire intimacy in our lives - and intimacy can mean something different to each of us. We all, even someone like myself who loves her solitude, are naturally drawn to reach out and touch the world around us. The beautiful feeling that comes from a smile, a look, holding hands or that energetic connection of hearts and minds. But what happens when the intimacy we desire is drifting away from our reach? Can we lead a partner back to intimacy?

Many times one half of a couple will ask how they can get their partner to join them in their interest in Tantra. The answer is pretty simple really - become what it is you are looking for and you will draw them in. Often when partners are not on the same page, one partner may disrupt the others state of intimacy by failing to meet an emotional need or inadvertent thoughtlessness. Unfortunately this could end up in a spiral of misery as nagging and restlessness begins and both are drawn into conflict. Hardly the ideal space for intimacy to occur. So how can we plant those seeds of intimate desire? It goes back to the answer in bringing a partner on your Tantric journey. It takes two to argue and if one of you is making an effort to avoid making demands and judgemental statements, the other usually calms down and does the same thing. We begin to create an environment for intimacy to grow.

But that is just preparing the ground for the seed. How can we bring the intimacy we crave back into our lives.

How are we showing up for our partners? I think the first thing we begin to be, is to be loving for the simple act of loving. Love to love. When we just love, we open ourselves to new ways of experiencing intimacy and we let go of any agenda we might have. We stay present in each moment, fully engaged and vulnerable with our partner even if at times it may feel uncomfortable to do so. If we really want to experience deep intimacy with another, we must always begin with ourselves.

Intimacy is not purely physical. It is a full orchestra - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual etc. The more connected we are on different levels, the more we feel about each other. Start experiencing a deeper connection with your partner and a more intimate relationship with these practices:

1. The eyes. It might sound weird but our eyes are enormously sexy and when we stop and connect with another, a beautiful surge of energy soars through us. Our eyes are a channel for sexual energy and we reveal a part of ourselves when we allow ourselves to be seen. See your partner with fresh eyes.

2. Breathe. Become aware of your breath and how you are breathing when you are with your partner. Are they short, shallow, 'fight or flight' breaths or deep, slow breathing relaxing your whole body, opening it up and inviting your partner in. When we make love in this deepest relaxation, intimacy penetrates every fibre of our being.

3. Communication. I am often heard saying that if we cannot talk about sex then we shouldn't be having it. But for many couples communication is a disaster. We get so embroiled in misunderstandings, old arguments, the blame game that intimacy gets lost in the exhaustion of it all. Talk about your fears, your needs, your desires. Give each other the space to talk about how they want to be loved, to be touched, to be desired. Start talking about what you need to feel safe and secure to share in intimacy.

4. Touch. Touching your partner as often as possible helps enormously to increase sensuality and create sexual presence. Touch for the sheer experience of touch. Explore your partners body without an agenda. Simply touching to touch.

5. Relaxation. When we are relaxed we move into a space of a more loving heart and sense of well being. Move away from goals, expectations, any pressure to perform in any way and simply be. Less doing and more being.

6. Have great sex. If sex has declined or become an afterthought, reverse this pattern. The physical and emotional closeness that comes from having sex on a regular basis builds intimacy. Make times to have great sex even if you have to schedule. All those yummy endorphins surging through you both!

7. Compliments. Take the time to tell your partner what you love about them. Remember why you fell in love - how you felt. Begin to compliment each other and be appreciative of the little things that may normally go unnoticed

What will you do to build more intimacy with your partner?

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