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  • Writer's pictureKaren O'Moore

Keeping love & intimacy alive

How do you keep love and intimacy alive? That is a pretty big question. We have to nourish both of them. Purposely and with full intent. Neither I, or your partner can force you to be in love or show intimacy; the effort and desire must come from within you.

When we have deep intimacy in our lives, there is love, respect, vulnerability, presence and an openness to create a safe space for each other. Intimacy is a commitment to nourish a love and maintain a strong and secure bond.

We will never know each other completely. We wouldn't want to. Let there be some mystery and a sense of the unknown around our partners, but don't stop being curious about them. Creating that safe space with each other, that your questions can be a little juicier than 'How was your day?' (God I fall into that habit myself!). Won't you get a more intimate response from -

What was the best part of your day?

Was there something that brought you a smile today? or even..

What do you love most about our life together?

What is there that I still don't know about you?

Is there something you are nervous to tell me about?

Is there something I do, that gets you excited?

And remembering that this is all about connection, touch while you talk. (In fact, keep finding moments each day where you reach out and touch each other). Touch is one of our most intimate forms of connection and communication. Research shows how blood pressure and physiology changes when two people are physically touching. Reach out to your partner.

Honesty is not only healthy, it is critical for a loving, intimate relationship. Sometimes communication is hard, especially when you have previously lived a very independent life, making your own choices; and dealing with them. But silence is deadly. Most people associate intimacy with sex, but intimacy is really in the communication between you. Intimacy is about feeling safe with each other to be able to tell the other your truth and knowing you are safe to show yourself fully to them. That is love and intimacy.

One of the exercises I share in workshops involves communicating openly about sex with a partner and I always say that if you can't talk about sex, you shouldn't be having it, and if you are having it, it is not going to be good ((talking about sex & safe sex is esp important for those in early stages in relationships). Our mouths are good for many things (*wink*), but most of all for talking! Talk to your partner about what you would like, what you desire. Criticism is not the way to engage and the communication is going to shut down quickly. Describing desire, creating an image of what you want rather than don't want, is a powerful way to open dialogue and move to a place of mutual pleasure.

For many of us, the first step to intimacy is simply permitting ourselves to have it. Giving ourselves permission to leave those odd jobs till tomorrow and rather spending time with our partners. Dirty weekends away are a guarantee fast track to fun and intimacy (they don't need to be elaborate, just time away from everyday life to enjoy each other).

And saving the best for last; kiss every day. Every single day. Not those quick pecks, but a good juicy kiss. Yes, you are best friends, but you also have this exquisite gift of being lovers. Savour that.

So allow yourself to be intimate. We all deserve healthy intimacy in our relationships.

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